I started off the last thing I wrote on here by saying ‘sorry for the two month hiatus’. Little did I know then that actually I’d sack it off again almost instantly and once again forget I had my own corner of the internet in which to vent my many frustrations.
How you all been? That’s a bit of a weird question, because I’m assuming by this point most of the people that read this are either somewhere in my house or the friends I have on my private Instagram – and I’ve seen most of you in the last few weeks, let alone the few months I haven’t been on here. But it’s nice to ask, no?
I think the main reason I haven’t put anything up is because, really, I haven’t had anything important to say (when do I ever?). That might beg the question as to why I even started a blog then, if I deem most of what I say to be complete fodder. It’s a fair point, but every now and then it’s nice to remember that it’s here and I can come online and tap away paragraphs and paragraphs rather than cramming it into an Instagram caption.
What you been up to then, Nat?
Dossing about, mostly. Until September that is. Everything got real again in September. But we’ll get there.
But between May and then, I’ve mostly just been working, doing my bit for the local community of a town I don’t even live in, constantly waiting to be told we’re done for the day and that I can go home ready to do it all again tomorrow.
There was some fun in between. Good nights at the pub, a five-a-side team where I lasted one game before breaking my wrist (I class that as fun because it happened on the day Euro 2020 started, so I actually had an excuse to not leave my room and absorb every match, rather than feeling guilty about it (to extend on Euro 2020 slightly, it was fucking class wasn’t it? I nearly wrote something on here about it but couldn’t bring myself to relive the final, although thinking back now it was just quality to even be there)). And at the end of all that too, my brother got married, which was just the most perfect day.
September, though – hoo boy. Finally, after a long bit of back and forth with work, I got the all clear that I could go part time, which had always been the plan so that I could act on the 🤌 good news 🤌 I got back in January, which was the subject of one of my first posts on here.
Then on the 14th, I got on a train, which was as exciting as it always is, and went into London to start my NCTJ diploma once again – four years on from the last time. I’m only a few sessions in, but it’s going well. The tutors remember me from before, which is, well, nice; the new sport tutor seems delighted with what I’ve done so far, which is also, well, nice, and a bit of a new feeling too; and it’s just generally going well.
How you feeling about it all?
Well, as I said, everything, in general, is just ‘nice’ at the moment. I’m tired, but that’s to be expected when you’re traipsing into London three days a week, getting up at 4:30am for work another three days of the week, and trying to see your friends on your new weekend days of Wednesday and Thursday.
I’ve definitely felt worse this year. Definitely. But, some of you might have seen (the Instagram lot – it’s always you, you’re always referred to as ‘some of you’) the rather pointless, beggy think I posted the other night (I do it a lot, sorry. It’s a flaw) referring to a ‘switch’.
The way I’ve been feeling at the moment is like there’s a switch in my head. As quick as a light switch. When it’s off, everything is fine – I’m content, I’m sitting on a train, I’m thinking about positive feedback from tutors and daydreaming of the first sip of Lowenbrau later that night. But once something (and I would LOVE to know what) manages to flick that switch – boom, anxiety.
Often I don’t even know what about. It can be as simple as scrolling through social media and making comparisons, or watching TV shows and drawing up completely unrealistic parallels between myself and characters, or feeling like I’m in places or situations where I don’t belong. It’s weird. It’s not nice. I don’t like ‘the switch’. When it’s on, it gets me down, sometimes for an hour before I manage to do something to snap out, or sometimes for a day or two.
This isn’t like a big plead for vital information. It’s really not as deep as I’ve made out (Ha! Again, so why would you write a big post about it, you big silly…), but if anyone does have any tips or anything they can offer on how to keep ‘the switch’ off for longer, like hot glue it down, leave them in the comments or let me know some other way (it’s 2021, I’m sure you can figure out another way).
Time to Go
So, yes. I’m fine, basically. It’s been a while, nothing really happened until September and then suddenly everything happened all at once. I’m tired, but life has a little less monotony about it now, which is always a good thing.
Fuck knows when the next post will be. This could be the kick-start to actually use it more regularly (with NCTJ now underway I may actually have some things worth talking about), or it’ll be another four months before I grace the internet with my presence once again.
I hope you’re all doing good, as always. Drink water.
natgoodlad.com 